Momma Said There'd Be Days Like This

Sometimes there are many, sometimes, not so many...I'm definitely having a few in a row right now. 

Dear blog, I have thought about you often the past few weeks.  That is all.

:-(

Oh, What a Tangled Web We Weave

I have actually been avoiding my next blog (this one) because I didn't do anything I said I was going to do in my last blog...wth, it's like I thought the blog gods would punish me or something!  This is my dang BLOG and I will mess up if I want to!  Yes, I probably need psychological help...my mind is a terrible thing to try to figure out!  I was so concerned with what I had not done that I didn't even think about blogging (and bragging) that I bought a new pair of pants the other day and they are size 12!!!!

Needless to say, my gym time has not suffered...I have been going to both gyms (because one gym membership just wasn't enough!), and it is not really that hard to get myself to go anymore...thank goodness for the month of August!  My issue is committing to more than one thing at a time...isn't it???  I just don't know what to think about this 'issue' anymore...

So, my previous commitments...well, the one that stands out the most is the state of my bedroom...you know, the bedroom that I was going to clean and organize.  Very few people have seen the state of my bedroom.  I am not a messy person, and I keep my house clean and organized.  So, why is this such an issue in my bedroom....?....it has ALWAYS been. I never would have thought there might be a link between my issues with my weight and my not wanting to be even be in my bedroom, much less keep it clean and organized...but, WOW, there most definitely is a link!  I've discovered this while diagnosing myself with the mental issues that have kept me in this fat suit for so long.

While glad that I have discovered this link, I'll admit that I am overwhelmed at the thought of now dealing with it.  To think, I started writing this to force myself to commit to loosing weight once and for all....oh, boy is there more to this! 

I have spent the last 25 years weaving and existing in my comfy little (or big) web!  Now, how do I get out of it?  One nasty string at a time.............

Sometimes I have so much to say that I cannot begin...

Wow, this is so true at this moment!  Will be back when I've cleaned it up a bit and can write what is on my mind without...well, cleaned up :).

It's been a very bizarre couple of weeks...feeling a little lost at this point.

On the upside...my commitment to the gym is slow and steady...but at least it's steady :).  I belong to 2 gyms now and actually going to both of them!  I went at 5:30 this morning and will be going again tonight...feeling great!  Now, just gotta work on a few other areas of my life :-(

Commitment is a funny thing.  A love/hate relationship for me.  Have been thinking a whole lot about the lack of commitment I have in my life...no bueno! 

I've decided to take on a new commitment...I commit to cleaning my bedroom, cleaning my closet and organizing my life by Sunday.  That's what I said, Sunday...as in 4 days from now...Oh my lawd...I'll keep you posted............

Notes to myself:  1. my life is a wreck when my room is a wreck...why do not know this by now!
                          2. maybe it's time to admit...spicy stuff is starting to bother my 43 year tummy...waaah :-(
                          3. never let the sun go down on your anger...one of my personal favs!

The 'Wagon' is a Funny Thing

In an attempt to get better at 'getting back on the wagon', I have been to the gym the past 4 days in a row!  Will I stay on the wagon this time...who knows!  I may still be 'playing the game'...so hard to tell anymore :(. 

I did do something stupid this weekend...or maybe it was genius!  Stupid or not, I'm pretty sure it can be viewed as obsessive...but I am what I am dangit!  I joined, well, I guess a second gym...yes, memberships at 2 gyms...uggggh!  I have a thing about using all the services I pay for...so, maybe that is all part of my master plan!  Is there a method to my madness?!?  We shall see......

A commitment to 2 gyms...HAHAHAHAHA

Crossing my fingers that it works :-)

OH, I almost got on the scale the other night...I wanna weigh myself sooo bad!  I will NOT weigh in again until the end of October...I hope ;-).

Turns Out...I'm Actually Pretty Good At This Game

The other day (and by that I mean two weeks ago) I was asking myself why in the world my one 'bad day' keeps turning into another and another.  Everyone is allowed a 'bad day' right?  Yes, that includes me!  So, I didn't feel bad the first day...or three.  Plus, everyone says, just let yourself have a bad day, then get right back on track the next day...HA!  Liars!

I really did have an excuse for every day of the week.  However, in the interest of keeping up with my "Commitment" issues, I decided to dig deeper.  Then it hit me...I really am good at this game...OK, I'm not as good as I used to be :(.  I can call myself out...so, I did.

My daughter left the country for 8 months...I'm allowed to be depressed!  I had a birthday (I love my birthday!)...I'm allowed to party and enjoy being young and carefree, even if I like to stretch my birthday celebration out over a few weeks :).  My van (and only vehicle) is having 'issues' right now and it's just not safe to drive to the gym...and so on, and so on!  Point is...Shit Happens!  Everyone knows this...

I know I haven't been to the gym in a week. I also know I was doing really good, I felt really good, my clothes is really big on me and people are really noticing (and telling me about it!).  Ah-HA...SABOTAGE! :(

WHY!? Why can I not get past this point already!  Dangit! 

I will attempt to get back on track today...will I succeed?  I am tired, stressed, busy...all that other stuff.  But, I am going to the gym after work...I AM!

Oh, You Mean This is Something I Have to Keep Working on???

Having a bad day...a couple of bad days...ok a bad 8 days!  Can't put my finger on it, but there was definitely something different about the month of August.  Why was my commitment (you know, the one I didn't quite keep in August) so much easier to 'try' to keep??  September...not so much! :(

Ok, here is where I tell you that I have a real 'psychological' issue with people noticing that I'm loosing weight.  Ikr...how can it bother me that people notice and compliment me...omgoodness, isn't that the point!?!  I have had many a conversations with myself regarding this little issue of mine...yea, myself doesn't get it either so she's no help! 

This is no doubt the reason that I have been on this yo-yo for all these years.  I get to a certain point, start to really see a difference, start getting nice compliments and words of encouragement from people....and that's it!  It's like I put the car in reverse! :( 

I only just identified this 'issue' of mine a couple years ago...yes, I said years :(...and I have stopped asking why...I don't even know that I care why anymore! I just want to push through this part once and for all!  This year I decided that I would start telling anyone that would listen about this issue I have discovered I have (that poor lady on the bus).  Maybe if I get it out there, let people know what a weirdo I am, it would somehow make me wanna not sabotage myself when I get to this point. 

Is it working??  Not at this moment, no...it is not!  One day at a time, right...that is what I said...right??

Sooo, for this day...I will make good food choices and do some form of exercise...I WILL!

One More Month...Maybe or Maybe Not

I felt so good about my decision to extend my commitment another month...yesterday!  Today, not so much :(...maybe it's because I now realize that it will be almost impossible to go every single day with our one car situation.  I won't always have a ride on nights that Angel works (can't depend on Debbie this month because she's back in school and has a bizzillion jobs and I don't know how she goes to the gym at all!).  Maybe it's because my wonderful husband put me in a very bad mood this morning.  OR maybe it's because I saw a picture of myself last night that made me wonder WTH I am even going to the gym for...yuck!  Yea, that's probably what it is...I hate myself in pictures! 



FAT FACE!



A whole month later and I still see no change in my fat face!  My clothes are big on me, my feet and hands have even lost weight.  What is the deal with my fat face!?!  OMG, what if I get skinny and still have a FAT FACE!  Wait a tic...maybe I need to re-think this!  Just kidding...I was just trying to find an excuse to go get a donut from the office kitchen ;-\.  (Donut Fridays are hard!)

Is it enough to say that I will go every day possible??  Maybe I can commit to doing some other form of excercise on the days that I can't make it to the gym...that is totally doable.  BUT that would be a whole new commitment!  Uggggh...this is just crazy talk!  I am not ready for that kind of commitment...NO, I don't care what you say, I am NOT ready!

Ohmmmmm.  I will just take it one day at a time...for today.