So, this is my latest attempt to keep myself on track...I really like it so far, but I really liked a lot of other things I've done in the past :-(.  Still, I've committed to it!  It is really very simple...I'm allowing this to get the better of me, and it has to stop!  ONWARD AND UPWARD!!!




<a href="http://www.myfitnesspal.com/weight-loss-ticker"><img border="0" src="http://tickers.myfitnesspal.com/ticker/show/2494/9170/24949170.png" /></a><p style="text-align:center;width:420px;"><small>Created by MyFitnessPal - <a href="http://www.myfitnesspal.com">Nutrition Facts</a> For Foods</small></p>

Been Gone Too Long...WTH Happened

I think about blogging at least once a week...don't know exactly why I've been gone so long, but I'd venture to say it's got something to do with that dang committment issue!

As usual, I got too close to that place...you know the one where I am really losing weight and looking/feeling great...too close is close enough for me to run like hell in the other direction!  It's what I do...remember???

I didn't realize the date of my last blog post....way too long ago!  I'm back...as of right now! 

I changed up a few things...doing the same thing as "last time" never works for me.  Hoping that this is the time I stick it out and see it through.  You never know! 

Not even gonna try to figure out what happened, what went wrong, what changed...how I ended up here AGAIN...don't care! 

Just starting over, right now, right here, today!

Monday Sure Came Around Fast!

I will not deny that I purposely tried not to think about this blog post this weekend.  I knew Monday would get here and I would have to "update" things...OK, my new goal is to try not to dread Mondays and Fridays (Blog days).  I should look forward to them.  I should have so much to say and be excited about all my progress!  But today, Monday just came around way too fast! 

On one side of this, I had an extremely productive weekend.  I always busy myself when I don't want to deal with 'stuff'...hey, it's either that or I watch t.v. and eat everything in site!  Staying busy was my best move this weekend.

On the other side...I didn't workout at all this weekend.  But, don't worry, I assured myself that because I was cleaning and moving furniture and tending to whatever my House (hubby, kids) needed, then that was my workout!  Yep, made me feel better for a little bit.  Then last night the guilt for not working out at all in the past 2 weeks completely set in! 

Gonna try something different this week, but afraid to say what it is because I'm afraid that will keep me from following through...lol.  Will report back on Friday and let you know if did it or not.

If I Do It...I Do It All The Way

This may have to become my new motto.  In collecting my thoughts for today's blog...you know, because I said I would be blogging on Mondays and Fridays, and I am trying to stick to that commitment...I have come to the conclusion that if I am going to really do this, then it will have to be all or nothing.  And since I don't think anyone is really reading my blogs, then why not!

I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse.  I really hate when people struggling with their weight use this as an excuse!  I don't in any way intend to go that route.  It is what it is and I have totally dealt with this and put it in it's place a long time ago.  However, because it is a part of who I am, I figured this is probably a good place to start.  It wasn't until a few years ago that I even began to associate the fact that I was abused as a child, with the fact that I can only loose a certain amount of weight and then I sabotage myself until I gain it all back and then some.  The struggle is so much more in my own head!

This is true with so many areas of my life.  I can only commit to a certain extent.  I can only let people know certain parts of me...nobody will ever know the whole truth and nothing but the truth me.  Why?  In the beginning I used to think it was so amazing that I had linked these two things together and now for sure I would be able to stop doing this to myself...I was so excited to finally have a reason that I had been in this vicious cycle of losing/gaining and I could finally just lose it and be done with it, right...WRONG! 

I know that my childhood has everything to do with everything.  I know that I am who I am because of everything I've been through...as a child and, subsequently, as an adult.  The link is there, I found it, YAY! me.............NOW WHAT :-(.

Holy BlogSpot...Has it Really Been This Long!?!

Admittedly, I tend to 'ignore' that which makes me uncomfortable...doesn't everyone???  My commitment level has been very low lately, even for me!  But, I'm BACK...I want to be back, anyway...

It is long term commitment I have the most issue with, so from now on I will commit to one week at a time.  (Baby steps.)  I will blog on Mondays and Fridays...just before the weekend and just after the weekend...makes sense to me.  Yes, that sounds like a great plan!

Knowing that I must first address what is in my head to fix what is wrong with my body is one thing, but doing it is another thing altogether!  OK, I don't actually think there is something 'wrong' with my body...I guess.  Doc says I need to lose at least 50 lbs...but it is really more like 60!  How the hell do I still have the 60 lbs on me that I gained over 20 years ago with my second pregnancy!?!  Who does that??  OMG...

Baby steps, right?  Alright, I have decided to do this 10 lbs at a time.  So, I MUST commit to do whatever it takes to lose 10 lbs by the end of March!  Totally doable, I know this can be done...one week at a time between now and March 31.

I did say whatever it takes... so, the first thing I will address in my head is:

Friday's blog post...Oy vey

Momma Said There'd Be Days Like This

Sometimes there are many, sometimes, not so many...I'm definitely having a few in a row right now. 

Dear blog, I have thought about you often the past few weeks.  That is all.

:-(

Oh, What a Tangled Web We Weave

I have actually been avoiding my next blog (this one) because I didn't do anything I said I was going to do in my last blog...wth, it's like I thought the blog gods would punish me or something!  This is my dang BLOG and I will mess up if I want to!  Yes, I probably need psychological help...my mind is a terrible thing to try to figure out!  I was so concerned with what I had not done that I didn't even think about blogging (and bragging) that I bought a new pair of pants the other day and they are size 12!!!!

Needless to say, my gym time has not suffered...I have been going to both gyms (because one gym membership just wasn't enough!), and it is not really that hard to get myself to go anymore...thank goodness for the month of August!  My issue is committing to more than one thing at a time...isn't it???  I just don't know what to think about this 'issue' anymore...

So, my previous commitments...well, the one that stands out the most is the state of my bedroom...you know, the bedroom that I was going to clean and organize.  Very few people have seen the state of my bedroom.  I am not a messy person, and I keep my house clean and organized.  So, why is this such an issue in my bedroom....?....it has ALWAYS been. I never would have thought there might be a link between my issues with my weight and my not wanting to be even be in my bedroom, much less keep it clean and organized...but, WOW, there most definitely is a link!  I've discovered this while diagnosing myself with the mental issues that have kept me in this fat suit for so long.

While glad that I have discovered this link, I'll admit that I am overwhelmed at the thought of now dealing with it.  To think, I started writing this to force myself to commit to loosing weight once and for all....oh, boy is there more to this! 

I have spent the last 25 years weaving and existing in my comfy little (or big) web!  Now, how do I get out of it?  One nasty string at a time.............